Friday, December 09, 2005

More on loss

Seems like a common theme around here, huh? A little history, first, to make sense of all of this. The lead singer of P.O.D., Sonny Sandoval, was a gang member in San Diego. His mother was a devout Christian who died of leukemia. Sandoval says that, while she was on her deathbed, he saw God in her eyes. Soon after her death, he became a Christian. Sometime after that, he started P.O.D. Now, some family history. At my mother's funeral, my brother Jonathan read some lyrics from a P.O.D. song, written about Sandoval's mother's death. I hadn't heard the song at the time. Well, recently I was listening to an album by P.O.D., and I found it.
Full Color I cry why O' why did my mommy have to die? Too many questions, no answers confuses my mind Like what did I do, what did she do, who's to blame No one understands what I'm going through So how can I trust what I can't touch and can't see Believe in love and she's in front of me Silence in your eyes, my heart so cold No time for goodbyes, then you leave me alone So what do I do accept it and carry on? Or release my anger, until it's gone Show you and this world exactly how I feel death in full color It's never been so real, It's been me and you, It's always been me and you No matter what we faced, we always made it through Get out of this dream, do what I gotta do No one can take your place and I don't want them to If I could take your place, I would, I would take your pain Just to see you smile and say my name, Just to hear you laugh and hear you cry I don't understand, I don't know why I've never been it this state of mind, life just don't make sense With you I could move mountains, right now I'm helpless I guess, you always knew what was best Believed in your God, til the very last breath You showed me how strong you can be If Jesus saved your life, could he do it for me? I'll lay down my life for you and for Him Believe God's promise, I'm gonna see you again Lord here I am, but I am no one, Believe in Your name Believe in your Son, if you meet me here I will wait on you Sacrifice and serve, do what you want me to I'll take it day by day, and sit at your feet You are strong when I am weak I seek to keep from going under Until I hold you again, I'll always wonder Why did my mommy have to Die? [repeats]
And lo, upon listening to another album by the same band, I stumbled onto another song with the same theme.
Thinking About Forever Time goes by and God knows I try to carry on with life Decide not to hide feelings inside, even though they hurt Sometimes, I forget to remember you It's easy to lock away the pains, don't want to relive it through But I stay strong, you taught me how to move on in this world I married my sweetheart, even got a little baby girl I wish you could see her, I swear she looks just like you If you can hear me, show me a sign, please send her a butterfly or two [chorus:] I'm thinking about forever (missing you) I know you're so much better (we made it through) Now I know what it means to live for someone else To give up yourself Things have changed, at times it gets kind of strange Your love remains the same Do I make you proud? Mama, can you see me now? Whatever is good in me is because you showed me how to take love by the hand And so now I can share you with my baby So that she can understand [chorus] [ending chorus:] I'm thinking about forever (missing you) I know you're so much better (we made it through) I'm thinking about forever (missing you) I'm tripping on whatever (hearing you)
Very different songs. Very different feelings. The first is quite heavy and intense. The second is more reflective and wistful. (There is an interval of several years between the two albums.) Of course, listening to this man's story, I could easily tell you one of the reasons that his mother died: it was to bring him to the Christ that he clearly loves. So, from that perspective, it is quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to him. And, somewhere inside, I know that the same is true for me. My mother's death has made me more compassionate, more empathetic, more easily able to see heaven breaking through into the world. And yet. Mom never met Noah. She never met Justice. I wonder how much my other children will remember her. Holidays seem so empty now. It's been two years, and it's only now that I feel like we are beginning to return to something resembling a new normal. And I wonder if Mom can see us. I don't know what sort of connection the saints who have passed beyond have to this fallen realm in which we still live. I know that we will all see her again, and that will be a joyous reunion. But sometimes, when no one is looking, I pray to God that He would tell my mother that I love her very much and that I miss her. And every time, I pray that this isn't a wrong thing to ask. It's not, is it?


Blogger Gabrielle said...

I hope it isn't wrong to ask because your request sounds a lot like mine.

12/09/2005 04:44:00 PM  
Blogger james3v1 said...

It's not wrong.

And she knows.

I love you both.

12/10/2005 07:40:00 AM  
Blogger Adiel said...

However it is that hugs work in Heaven, I've asked God to give her one for me. I miss my mommy so much. I know she can't be sad, but I wonder if she somehow misses us, too.

12/12/2005 07:31:00 AM  

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